Capitulation

It’s 2:30 in the afternoon on a Tuesday, I’m writing this from bed, drinking coffee while wincing from a caffeine headache because I’ve switched to decaf. Today is the last day of summer and I’m spending it inside. It’s beautiful out, warm, sunny, the freeway is busy, my blinds flutter with perfect swirling breezes. It’s only the last day of summer in that the day and night are just about to strike even;  that precarious moment of equinox. But the weather doesn’t care. Nights in SF are finally friendly to bare skin.

The skies will be the most clear until the edge of October. I have a lot to read. I’m thinking about capitulation. The agreements we make in order to meet our needs. I’m reading about interlocking oppressions, about how time and context affect our ability to move through the world. I need to articulate an understanding of both denial and privilege. How sometimes we surrender in order to progress. I’m wondering how well I do with that.

There is that balance of needing to be right and admitting when I’m wrong. That comes up a lot being the headstrong person I am. Headstrong, head of household, in my head a lot. How much capitulation does getting through a day require? It’s these invisible vice grips of restraint I’m often fighting alone in my mind when situations that simply require a yes get ignored or pushed to the back burner.

Am I making any sense? This is the type of writing I used to send in emails to my best friend, until she demanded that I start a blog so that she wouldn’t feel pressured to store them in an archive for some day later.

It’s the last day of summer and a pile of laundry, the perpetual pile of laundry, is giving me the eye like the corrupt sheriff in an old western. We’re in a high-noon showdown, it’s me or it, one of us has got to go. Cue the flute and bass riff.

As a grad student, capitulation comes at every meeting with a professor, every grade negotiation with an undergrad, every expense that I didn’t have planned in my monthly budget.

Historic agreements are being made this very moment. The boys are playing soccer, are in band and not seeing their father on as regular of a basis. I’m so fucking single right now, it’s amazing. After this past relationship imploded with a few keystrokes on my laptop, I told myself no dating till after the Equinox. Capitu-fucking-lation.

 

Eat. Fuck. Travel.

Nic came to visit the Bay this week. It’s been a few months since we’ve seen each other. Last time I flew down to LA to spend a few days with her and her son. This time, she spent the afternoon with me and my sons. As we walked the lake, Nic told me a story:

Recently she did a relay marathon type thingy where she and a partner ran for 4 days as a fundraiser. Her partner was an older woman, an Auntie from her childhood. The women is in her late 60′s and sees a lot of herself in Nic. And as the women chatted and shared more intimate details of their lives. The Auntie felt the need to kick some serious knowledge: ”Let me tell you, there are only 3 things women like you and me really want from life…”

Nic perked up, listened hard and waited for the wisdom of been there, done that, started the newsletter…

“…All we really want is to eat, fuck and travel.”

Nic’s jaw dropped.

Aunite continued, “Men will come into your life and all they want from you is babies, housekeeping and cuddling. When what you really want is a co-conspirator, a lover, an equal.”

Nic waited for more, blinking her big eyes, waiting to absorb more wisdom, but none came. So she had to ask, “So what’s the solution?”

The Auntie replied, “you’ve met my ex-husbands. I’m still looking.”

Eat. Fuck. Travel.

It’s hard to describe how hard that hit both of us. I remember saying something like, “Holy fucking Hell, have you ever heard another woman say that to you? out loud? on purpose even?”

We felt all giggly and excited and kinda breathless. It is exactly what we want, and even more importantly, we believe we are capable of doing as mothers. It feels good to hear it from an elder…

Eat. Fuck. Travel.

 

 

Post SlutWalk SF Bay cross-post

Originally published at the Good Vibe Magazine, which is NSFW so I am cross-posting it here:

So SlutWalk SF was this past Saturday, and I wrote about the forethought of attending and bringing my sons with me. You can read that here.

This is the post-post. Yes, the boys and I went to the march. Yes, it was a rather small turn out as compared to other rallies, marches and protests I have been to in San Francisco and also in comparison to the other SlutWalks that happened the same weekend. Philadelphia and Helsinki had amazing numbers of people out in the street demanding that consent be respected in all situations.

The rally and march in SF were very intimate and very intense. I commented on Tiny Nibbles that the lack of social media during and after SlutWalk SF is significant. I can’t remember the last time I went to an event here where half the people weren’t typing away on their phones. The people gathered were focussed, they were in the moment, they were engaged. I have so much respect for the all of the speakers. Ginger Murray has a great post up today on her SF Weekly blog.

I am so glad I brought the boys. My younger son is not a big fan of crowds, so we had to stay on the sidelines. He read comic books on the grass during the rally. His older brother, however, was all in the mix. He listened to the speakers, watched people’s reactions and asked me questions.

 

SlutWalk San Francisco (the pre-post)

This was originally posted on the Good Vibes Magazine the day before I took the boys to SLutWalk, but since it is a NSFW site, I’m cross-posting here:

This Saturday is San Francisco’s SlutWalk and I am taking my 10 and 11 year old sons. While they’ve been in marches, protests and parades before, I’m not going to allow them out into the streets for SlutWalk. My plan is to take them to the gathering point in the park and then we’ll stay off to one side, walking along the sidewalk as the march takes to the streets.

So, here’s the question I’m assuming you’re asking… why would you take adolescent boys to a SlutWalk?

My first answer is that I am not afraid to have whatever conversations they need to have about it. I am not afraid to talk about sex, sexuality, sexual assault, gender roles, power dynamics, systemic oppression, misogyny and fear with my children. I am not afraid to answer their questions and offer my interpretation. I have been having age appropriate conversations about sex and sexuality with my kids their entire lives.  What are they going to ask me when they see people carrying signs about rape, sexual assault and ‘asking for it’… What are they going to absorb, what are they going to question, what are they going to be confused about and what are they going to understand? I can’t wait to find out!

 

Size Positive = Sex Positive Crosspost

Originally Published at The Sex Positive Photo Project … San Francisco Bay Area: Size Positive = Sex Positive which is a NSFW site, so I’m reposting it here:

Size Positive = Sex Positive

by Airial Clark

When I was 14 years old I had my first moment of hot flash inducing lust. I was in my bedroom when I heard a basketball being dribbled in the parking lot below my second story window.  I thought it might be a friend of mine coming to ask me to play, so I leaned out to look. What I saw made my skin go prickly, my ears start to buzz, and heat to rise in my face. The most round taut thick meaty male ass I had ever seen was striding away from me. As I watched each cheek  bunch then smooth, my mouth watered. It really, truly, actually watered. I could tell he was about my age and that was all that mattered. I thought to myself, “Girl, you have to meet the person that that ass belongs to.”

It didn’t matter that I was tall and gangly and had a flat-chest. It didn’t matter that I had crazy kinky hair that looked like a lion’s mane. It didn’t matter that I didn’t have clear skin or that I was a size 14. It didn’t matter that I was the living embodiment of everything the pretty girls dreaded being. I hungered after another person’s body.

And that shocked the hell out of me. 

 

My thesis project: Polyamory in East Bay Communities of Color

Call for participants!!!

I am conducting ethnographic research on polyamory in communities of color of the East Bay. I would like to interview people of color, between the ages of 30 and 45 years old, who are open to their friends and family about having multiple consensual intimate relationships. Participants must live in the East SF Bay Area.

Participation in this research includes being individually interviewed on three separate occasions about your intimate relationships, sexual and racial identity, social events in the East Bay that you attend, and how being polyamorous has impacted your family life.

Each interview will take approximately 1.5 hours. The study will take place in Oakland from June 2011 through August 2011 with 3 separate interviews being held in 3 week intervals. I am happy to schedule at your convenience, evenings, weekends or weekdays are available.

If your interested please email me at: airial@sfsu.edu

Thanks!!!

 

Exhale

The first year of grad school is completed. Many thanks to all of those shoulders, arms, minds and smiles that helped me stay sane for the most part. Those last two weeks were a bit surreal. But I got good grades and I know I am learning. I definitely feel like I’m in the middle of something. Only half of the thoughts are coagulating, the rest are slowly sinking in, then dissipating. One year done. One thesis project constructed. One puzzle piece of my identity cast in relief. Breath out. Exhale, release it all, empty the lungs, clear the mind…

 

Mid-paper writing thoughts

I’m in the middle of writing three papers right now, and there are ideas I want to write in them, but I can’t, and I am sort of in love with the thoughts I am having, so I’m taking a moment to share them here.

We live in a society designed to prioritize solutions that alleviate one group’s anxieties, insecurities and fears over any other group. Think about that. Not only are those anxieties prioritized, they are normalized; we’re all supposed to make alleviating those fears and anxieties our top priority, even if we don’t share them.

We’ve taken one type of human being and made it the template for all human beings. Even if that template is limited, and actually a minority sample of the greater population, it doesn’t matter, that one type of brain, body and behavior is the norm. Any variation from that one type of human is denigrated or subordinated or erased.

This is the society we live in. We have vast support structures in place to reinforce the universality of this one type of human’s concerns and preferences.

 

Moments of yes

News flash #1: My research protocol was accepted! No revisions were required and it is exempt from further oversight. Which means my English degree was worth every minute because I am a bad-ass punctuater. (yes, I just improperly conjugated the word punctuate, but English is a living language so that is my right.)

News flash #2: My paper was accepted for presentation at my department’s end of year conference! This is my first time going through the formal process. The panels were announced today and I am super excited to be included with the second year cohort’s graduation presentations.

News flash #3: My lover is back from his travels! That was maybe the longest 3 and a half weeks ever. Fucking Hell. I am glad we didn’t permanently damage anything during his welcome home celebration. Funny, but home feels homier when he’s back in the 510.

News flash #4: The Bring Your Own Big Wheel race (while the best way to spend Zombie Jesus Day ever!) is not a fitting substitute for an easter basket full of chocolate and jellybeans… At least not in the eyes of my 9 year old. Lesson learned.

News flash #5: Speaking of the 9 year old, I threw him one helluva 10th birthday party. Maybe not as epic as the great squirt gun battle royale of ’07… but pretty damn close. And we got to see our Smythe fam, who we miss more and more each year.

News flash #6: My dad came for a visit. He bought us season passes to Six Flags for a cumulative birthday present. Yes, I’m turning 33 soon and a season pass to an amusement park still makes me smile ear to ear.

Ok, that is a lot of news. And all of it is good. Love when I can start my week listing all of the amazing moments of yes from the weekend.

 

Read “Sex at Dawn”, no really, read it.

I loved this book. I am only posting about the first two parts, so that the rest remains a mystery and you go and read it!

In the first two parts of the book, Sex at Dawn, authors Ryan and Jetha explicate and then seek to refute the standard narrative of human sexuality. The authors take exception with what the last hundred years of Western science purports human sexuality to be; that humans are naturally monogamous at the species level. The authors begin their analysis with Darwin, both his personality and his research, then expand to the field of evolutionary psychology to question where this scientifically supported belief that men are universally obsessed with paternity certainty and that women are universally concerned with access to men’s resources comes from. The first strategy is to question how anthropologists and sociologists interpret the evidence used to support this standard narrative. The authors seek to problematize the accepted conclusions drawn from potentially biased accounts. Ryan and Jetha endeavor to show how the traditional model of monogamy as the single, ie ‘natural’, reproductive strategy for human beings is not based on facts, but rather on a set of normalized assumptions. Scientists’ refusal to see anything other than pair bonding as normal human behavior is due, not to a lack of evidence, but rather to the scientists themselves being heavily influenced by their own pro-monogamous cultures.